Tools Are Meant to Serve *You*

What do you do if all the tricks you’ve been told are cure-alls for anxiety, sure-fire ways to slow your heart rate, and the closest thing to a magic pill for panic do. not. work? What if the ways that it seems like everyone is calming down (all the cool kids are doing it!) aren’t helpful for you?

There is a lot of pressure to try certain tools, from the wellness industry, social media, coaches, therapists, and more people who claim they know *THE* way. Let me pause and say — tools can be great. Really. They can help to expand the window of tolerance, increase internal resources, navigate through tough conversations and rough waves of emotions, unlock insights, and more. What pains me, though, is that the purpose of these tools has been forgotten by many.

Remember: the word we are using is “TOOLS.” Tools are meant for the person using it, for their purpose and their task. We are not meant to mold to the tool, in this case. The obsession over the form, the content, and the *what* instead of the who is the same trap that seems to have always existed. This trap is an escape route from the vulnerable work of relating and authenticity. Hyper-focusing on the “what” is an attempt to fit you into a box. Remember: The content is not only created by the person, but also is meant to serve the person.

These tools can be great, but we cannot forget the people using them – the real purpose is to get to that vulnerability and authenticity, to the presence and wonder, to the adaptability in situations and vitality in our daily lives, and to your goals. The tools can help us do that. But not if we forget ourselves in the process.

The importance of the person and the relationship – or valuing the context over the content – is why I cherish the practice of form following function. Let’s break that down with some physical examples. In physical movement, I can modify, say, a push-up to strengthen the chest muscles OR the triceps muscles depending on my need. The form of the push-up follows the function I want it to serve.

Or in yoga practice, if the function – the intention – of a pose is to calm the practitioner, we need to look at what is calming for the practitioner. What if the practitioner experiences claustrophobia? Well then, child’s pose might not be the best fit (the best tool) to meet the function of calming. What if the practitioner is in the menstrual phase of her menstrual cycle? Legs up the wall would not be the best tool then, as inverting is contraindicated during the menstrual phase. To find the best tool, we must know the function and the practitioner using the tool.

Some of my clients experience shame, confusion, and wondering what might be “wrong” with them when tools that seem to work for everyone do not have the advertised effects for them. For example, they try to ground through their bodies and sensations, and they feel less grounded. Another example: They try to notice their breath and they feel more anxious. These are natural responses – if they were not natural, they couldn’t exist. Further, they give great information about what works for the person and about the roots of struggles.

We can find tools and practices that actually work for you. If the person wants to ground because they want to feel calmer, and if they want to feel calmer because they feel overwhelmed, then we can find practices and tools that help the person with the overwhelm. It might not be “grounding exercises” or specific popular breathing practices – we want the form to meet the function for that person.

Finding (and understanding!) the right fit tools to meet the person in the moment requires experimentation. And experimentation requires a sense of safety that allows for playfulness. It is okay to try something and for it to not work for you in similar ways as it seems to for others, or for something that has worked in certain circumstances to not work in other moments – we strengthen patience and playfulness when we can see that it is all good information. We’re getting more data not only about the tools that are a good fit for your system in certain experiences, but also about your beautifully unique system.

We each are like unique puzzle pieces in the greater puzzle of humanity. When we each can embrace our unique puzzle piece selves, we can feel connected in the greater puzzle of humanity – this great web of life. And the form of our puzzle piece selves? They are a reflection of the function of our wholeness and authenticity.